Let’s talk Tinder

So here is a post that’s been sitting in my drafts for a while. I guess I didn’t post it because there is a lot of stigma around Tinder, even though it has become mainstream.  I’m not currently on Tinder and I’m definitely not an advocate for a lot of the people on there… But I think it’s another avenue which allows people to meet others that they usually wouldn’t be able to, which I think, for some people, is pretty cool. Well, here it is, the long awaited Tinder post that’s been in my drafts for the last month:

I’ve wanted to write a blog post about tinder for some time now. I know there’s a lot of posts about Tinder, as it’s something that’s becoming gradually normalised in our society. But, as an early adopter of Tinder, I’ve had a good 3 years or so to consider this app and make some recommendations of my own. In good millennial form, I’ve decided to do this in list form and have even numbered this one. Ah organisation.

  1. Should you even download Tinder? I’ve never really had an issue with meeting people – male or female. I can walk up to someone in a bar and strike up a conversation, no problems. I guess I downloaded Tinder for curiousity – I wanted to see what everyone was talking about/extend my avenues for making poor life decisions. I’ve been through several reincarnations of my Tinder profile, often installing and deleting on a bimonthly basis. Why I continue to use Tinder is more boredom than anything else (hence why I haven’t used it a lot of late). I recommend downloading Tinder for the sheer smorgasbord of opportunities. Oh and to test Harry Potter pick up lines (I’ve got some excellent ones!).
  2. Vetting the masses. This is extremely important. If you’re busy like me, you don’t have the time to meet with everyone you match with on Tinder. I have 2 methods of singling out those who are worth meeting. The first is to throw at them a really weird and wonderful pick up line and see how they respond. Case in point – “If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cutecumber”. If they respond to this obvious weirdness, then they may be vaguely interesting to hang out with. The second is to let them talk to me first (very old fashioned, sorry feminists) and if they can hold a conversation, then usually they’ll be okay in person. If their opening line is what colour underwear you’re wearing or some equally creepy comment, I’d stay away.
  3. The Tinder bio… I’m not going to lie. I don’t have a bio, I’ve never had a bio and I can’t be bothered to take the time to make myself seem interesting, when obviously I am (I mean the pea costume speaks for itself). I don’t read the bios of others and this has often had disastrous circumstances (no I’m not interested in being your third, thank you very much). If you’re looking for something specific e.g. ‘a good time, not a long time’, or applications considered for 6″4 giants and above only, then I’d recommend putting it in your bio. And maybe don’t mention the fact that you have 7 furbabies at home…
  4. Add them on Snapchat. I cannot recall how many times people have either taken very strategic photos (good lighting and sunglasses seem to help) or just seem to have stolen a photo from one of their friends and thus look ABSOLUTELY NOTHING like their pictures. I’m totally not advocating basing your decision purely based on looks, but honestly, if you’re on Tinder, you obviously care a little bit. Connect with them on Snapchat, send them a few cheeky snaps and hopefully you’ll get a better idea of whether you’re going out to dinner with the handsome Franco brother or more of a Jonny Depp lookalike (or maybe there’s a third option here…).
  5. You finally get round to meeting up with them – where do you go and what do you do? This will, of course, totally depend on your levels of weird. Since mine are high and I have a short attention span, I refuse to do normal things like go on drinks. Make sure you go somewhere fairly public (to avoid a repeat of the Gable Tostee incident) and somewhere you can escape from easily if things get weird. I often drag people on hikes with me because, if they’re boring/tedious/unacceptable levels of weird or creepy, then at least I got some exercise out of it… Other more normal suggestions include mini golf, beach and ice cream date or salsa dancing (is that normal? Sorry I can’t be more helpful here, try googling it).
  6. And then what? Your Tinder date can either go one of 2 ways. You’ll have the most amazing night of your life because you’ve clearly found your future life partner, or you wasted what could have been a great night in watching Chef’s Table and munching on curry (did you know that MenuMania delivers to the Shore?!?!). There’s possibly a more middle of the road option, but I’ve found those don’t make for good writing, so I’ll stick with those 2. If it went shit, well that sucks, but hey, there’s plenty more matches to make awkward conversation with. Don’t take it personally – sometimes there just isn’t chemistry. Absolutely do NOT continue messaging this person as if you had the time of your life. Be honest. If you have indeed found the love of your life, start thinking up a great story of how to tell your children you met. I like the ‘we bonded over choosing the same flavour of ice cream at Ben & Jerry’s’ version of events.

So there you have some of my top tips for Tinder. Give it a go! Download the app, google weird pick up lines and see where the night takes you.

Namasdating

yoga-and-dating

I thought I’d start the first actual blog post with a bang by writing about something a little bit unusual that I’d say not too many people have done – or at least none of my friends have: Namasdating. In layman’s terms, yoga speed dating. Getting up close and personal with a complete stranger for the sake of meeting new people and you know, the gram (#doitforthegram). How millennial.

I must admit I had fallen victim to peer pressure on this one. It wasn’t my love for yoga or my yearning desire to find a soul mate that dragged me along to NZME on a Thursday night (no it wasn’t even a yoga studio), no it was my desire to try new things and be different. Oh the pressure of being a modern day youth.

I’m not going to lie, I was slightly disappointed when I turned up that it wasn’t actual serious yoga, more a series of poses where you got ridiculously close to others. Too close. A bit of downward dog, mountain and tree pose and then wine and nibbles. Didn’t even burn off the burrito I had at the Food Truck Garage…

Since this blog is intended to be educational, I thought I’d give some tips for the aspiring millennials wanting to spice up their dating options. First tip? Don’t namasdate. It’s probably worse than tinder. You have about a minute on each pose with your sweaty thighs pressed against a bearded stranger with the flexibility of a wooden pole. In this space you have enough time to say your name, vocation and favourite flavour of Ben&Jerry’s. If you want to get to know someone properly, just go for drinks like a normal person.

If you’re still determined to be one of the select few who have namasdated, then I suggest buying new active wear. I never really need an excuse to buy new active wear, but you really want to stand out. Like the men in fluro pink crop tops with attractive head bands to keep their overly long hair out of their eyes. The brighter the better, the tighter the better.

I also recommend against trying to do actual yoga. Don’t tell them that you’re secretly a level 10 yogi, but endeavour to bond over your inability to touch your toes. You don’t want to get stuck in a conversation where you’re actually having to dispel yoga advice. Time is precious and it’s better to spend this time discussing whether or not he’s a Harry Potter fan. The non believers must go. #HPislife

For those that you actually connect with, bring business cards. You’ll seem like such a professional when you can slip your card into their pocket and they’ll be impressed that  you work somewhere fancy enough to make you business cards. And if you don’t… get some made with just your name and your number (and maybe an ornamental butterfly).

My last piece of advice for those still wanting to try this unusual dating experience is probably applicable to all areas of your life. Go hard or go home. Go hard on the banter, hard on the awful poses and hard on the wine at the drinks afterwards. Oh and if you have low expectations, you’ll always be surprised.

-Namaste!